More Poetry from Marya's Mommy

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Poetry - page 1

Six Months Gone

4/18/25

Six months today, the world stood still,

A hollow space I cannot fill.

The day you left, the sky turned gray

My heart broke open as you slipped away.

You loved all creatures, cats, bugs & bees

You danced with light and loved with ease.

An artist's soul, so pure, so free,

A deeper love wont ever be.

You held roly polys and fireflies tight,

Admired the moon, adored the night.

Every laugh was music in the air,

Full of magic and had love to spare.

Your smile could chase the dark away,

Your voice was warmth on the coldest day.

You loved us all with tender grace,

And left your mark none could erase.

But now I'm drowning in regret,

In all the things I can't forget.

The ifs, the whys, the cruel unknown

The guilt that haunts when I'm alone.

Did you know just how much you meant?

How deep our love was, how far it went?

I'd trade my breath, my blood, my years,

To pull you close, erase your tears.

Your siblings—Caleb, Chelsea, Alex, Brooke—

Still see you in each hidden nook.

Your best friends Emma and Sophie still hear

You whisper their names, still feel you near

Gramma and Grumpy still hold you tight

Taking your rocks on each trip, with each letter they write.

And those not mentioned, and there are many,

Think of you often, your love they carry.

You were the rock we leaned upon,

The steady light when hope was gone.

A sister, daughter, aunt, and friend,

A love too big to ever end.

I miss your scent, your laugh, your touch,

I miss your everything so very much.

And though this pain will never cease,

Your memory grants small bits of peace.

I'm scared the world will let you fade,

Forget the mark you truly made.

But I will shout your name aloud,

I am your mom, forever proud.

You mattered then. You matter still.

You always have, you always will.

Though robbed of time, you live in me

A soul too big to truly leave.

So dance in the stars, let your spirit roam

But know my heart will forever be home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

The fear that you'll be forgotten

is my constant companion,

but I promise you this:

I will speak your name -

Marya

into every silence -

with each breath

and every heartbeat.

You were here.

You were beautiful.

You were loved.

You mattered.

You always will. *********************************************

Happy Birthday to Me

5/18/25

Here we are, somehow at month seven

People tell me that she’s in heaven

I just want to scream and shout

“This is NOT how things were supposed to turn out!”

There are days when I can find my smile

Days when my tears don’t fill the Nile

Days when the weight is a modicum lighter

Days when I feel like more of a fighter

There are weeks where I just want to hide

Protect this pain I cling to deep inside

Weeks where I really don’t even want to heal

Weeks when all I want to do is cry and feel

There are moments in which I still have some joy

When I don’t hate that careless boy

Moments I find a bit of respite

Moments when the day isn’t as dark as the night

There are months where all I can do is exist

Months where the darkness is hard to resist

Months where I just stare blankly at the wall

Still listening for the door to open, still waiting on her call

In these seven months I went from having it all

To losing my child and myself, with one call

Such a beautiful life, so blessed and so full

I was such an incredibly naïve, stupid fool

I thought we had the rest of MY life

Now my heart beats despite being pierced by a knife

I walk around each day, a shadow of myself

Her, and my heart, quietly placed on a shelf

I’ve become very good at wearing a mask

So that people don’t know, they don’t look, they don’t ask

I don’t like the pity, the I miss her too’s  

Because the sympathy they show means I really LOST you

When I leave my house I feel like everyone stares

I’m judged if I cry, if I laugh, if I’m silent, if I share

Don’t give a damn about me, but don’t want them to think

That I didn’t love you enough, that our souls weren’t linked

In these seven months, I have learned quite a lot

Like how time is much more precious than I ever thought

Tomorrow isn’t promised, neither is tonight

So we must cease every minute with all of our might

There are months when I’m right back at square one

It hits me; I’m still stuck here, when your life is done

Months where the weight of the world sits on my chest

Every second, every breath, every thought, is a test

There are moments when I forget you’re not here

Moments “THAT call” doesn’t linger in my ear

Moments when I can finally take a deep breath

When the thoughts in my head aren’t filled with your death

There are weeks when I simply can’t feel a thing

When there are absolutely no songs left to sing

Weeks when I’m so numb that I can’t even think

The kind of numb that doesn’t require pills or a drink

There are days when I can almost believe you’re alive

That your heart is still beating - that you laugh, smile and thrive

Days where my heart isn’t caught in a vise

When I forget I was forced to pay the highest price

So, here I am, going through the motions at month seven

My stance is the same, still giving the finger & saying “F Heaven.”

I can still see her face, hear her voice so clearly

And I’ll be with her again one day - at least that’s the theory.

So Happy Birthday to me….ha, what a joke

As happy as being covered head to toe in poison oak

Just another year older, while she ages no more

At least it gets me closer to the reunion I’m hoping for!